Photo By Rankin
I've decided that since this is my first blog and that I am not sure of its direction, that I am just going to write some shit for awhile and then erase it all. I think that's the only way I can get over the barrier of "supposed to be something."
I mean sure, I'd like to write something profound, or at the very least helpful - in some small way that contributes to society. But at this moment in time, I am not really sure I've got anything interesting to say. My own experience these days are sometimes like a roller coaster and some days like sitting in a boat on a flat sea with no wind.
There has been new and unexpected emotions at each crossroad in the past four months...I am inquisitive and curious about them, but at times the anxiety has crept back. I got The Fear the other night, just as I was laying my head down on the pillow. The Fear is when all of it scrambles out from all the dark corners and swirls it way into creating one super monster of anxiety - the fear of not being able to pay the landlord, the fear that job A isn't going to call me back after we rocked it together, the fear of not getting the book put together, the fear of not being good enough, fear taxes!, fear of losing time, fear of not having seen the dentist in over a year...I mean I know it's absurd to get worked up about all of it into one thing. I know that worrying doesn't accomplish anything...these things are intellectually true, yet it happens sometimes and there stands The Fear griping your neck late at night. And then you have to spend the next two hours talking yourself down from the ledge...
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