Monday, March 28, 2011

In Touch

Sometimes there is so much coming at me, it is hard to stay in touch with myself and how it makes feel. I've been juggling, what seems, an inordinate amount of personal dilemmas for the past 3 months and in that same time the world has seemed to have exploded. From the shooting of Giffords, Wisconsin's labor protest to Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and Japan's tsunami and nuclear meltdown. And the earth actually slowing down! The world is on fire.

I am not even sure what I want to say about this right now, I am wound up tight...the event of this last weekend and the ex have shaken me...there are things one doesn't want to admit...the fear. Being afraid. Being alone in all of this chaos. This is not how I planned it. We were supposed to be the ones that our friends leaned on. Our home was to be the safe haven for us all to escape to, and now it's...the center of our fight. I can't stand fighting with him anymore. I want this out of my life. And now the house...all of this is making me feel so torn when I am there. It was ours. We built it together. With love. I thought it was love...it was from me. I always wanted him to be part of it and in my life but he made his choice. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm tired of being sad. I'm angry. And of this is the least of my worries right now. Not even I like this post.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor


Sad to see her go. She lived fast, died brave. Fierceness all the way and true compassion.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Showing Tonight

"The Swinger" starring Ann Margaret

She is ridiculously ravishing. A voracious tiger hunting her prey one moment and a soft kitten playing with yarn the next. She takes feminine wiles to the genius level. And those black dancer tights that are just barely see-through? Don't get me started...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"Rainy Day to Night" Play List

Curated but in no particular order:

Billie Holiday “The Very Thought of You”

Nine Inch Nails “The Fragile”

Chet Baker “Almost Blue”

The Hives “Hate To Say I Told You So”

Kings of Leon “California Waiting”\

The Strokes "Heart in a Cage"

Johnny Cash “Hurt”

Marilyn Manson “I Put a Spell on You”

Metallica “Turn the Page”

Burial “Night Bus”

Bat For Lashes “What’s a Girl To Do”

TV on The Radio “Wolf Like Me”

Elliot Smith “A Distorted Reality is Now a Necessity to Be Free”

Death Cab For Cutie “Transalanticism”

Linda Ronstadt “Desperado”

Sarah Vaughn “Black Coffee”

The White Stripes “I Don’t Know What to Do With Myself”

Johnny Cash “Sunday Coming Down”

Nancy Sinatra “Bang Bang”

Amy Winehouse “You Know I’m No Good”

Gossip “Listen Up!”

Bix Biederbecke “Singin’ The Blues”



Photo of Bix Biederbecke, photographer unknown.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Showing Tonight



It's a difficult film to watch, not in that it is bloody and grisly (the directors took care to not exploit images of the dead), but because of the constant fear in the soldier's eyes. Brave fear, none the less.

The soldiers of the Second Platoon, B Company, 2nd Battalion, 503rd Infantry Regiment were sleepless and daily under fire with at least 4 or 5 fire fights a day for the year long deployment as they built outpost RESTREPO in the Korengal Valley of Afghanistan.

Forgive me if I get overly emotional as I write this. Regardless of my political view of the war and our purpose, I have total respect for these soldiers and for the film makers Junger and Hetherington.

This film doesn’t drive a political agenda, nor do the soldiers ever talk about their political beliefs. They are too preoccupied with surviving. This film is about the men who risk their lives for our country at this outpost.

Stationed in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan - considered the deadliest spot in the war until April 2010, when the post was scrapped just over a year after deployment. Soon into the campaign they lose one of their men, PFC Juan Restrepo. Under Sgt. Dan Kearny’s command, they pushed forward into the valley some 500 meters (?) up a hill to build a new outpost, a “middle finger” to the inhabitants of the valley. This entailed men running everything – all equipment, all tools, building materials, water, and food – up the mountain on foot, daily, through enemy territory - the Taliban occasionally opening fire on them as they did so. They named it RESTREPO after their fallen friend.

What this film makes me question is how are we dealing with these soldiers when they come back? How do we ensure their emotional stability and re-introduce them to civilian life? At one point in the movie after a firefight, Sgt. Steiner is talking to Sebastian Junger holding the camera, he says, “Big firefight, big rounds. That was fun though. You can’t get a better high. Better than crack. You do skydive, bungee jump or kayak but being shot at you really can’t come down from it. You can’t top that.” Sebastian asks him, “How are you going to go back to the civilian world then?” Steiner pauses and says forlornly, “I have no idea.”

Even back at the Italian base as the soldiers discuss their experiences, you see how far these men went and how they will never be the same. They grapple with what they saw, what they lost and who they are now and how that will work back in civilian society. One soldier, Cortez, so young, describes his nightmares and how he can’t sleep because of them even with being on 4 or 5 different types of sleeping pills. He speaks all the while with a sweet smile on his face; the innocence of a young man trying to make it alright for us and for himself.

Another soldier says he still hasn’t dealt with it “inside” himself. He says his only hope is that he can process it differently. Staff Sergeant McDonough, particularly, has the intensity of a man you aren’t sure which way his fear and rage could turn. In truth, these are all good men, average men, enlisted from all across America to support our country. There is nothing super hero about them, there is no affected bravado. They are not professional mercenaries. They are men, some even boys. McDonough, with his piercing eyes, says, “They are gathering intel right now…on how to deal with us. Because there is no real intel on how to treat us right now. Because they haven’t had to deal with people like us since World War II and Vietnam – guys coming back from 15 month deployment that went through as much fighting as we went through.” He wants help. He needs help.

And even more importantly how do we repay them for the sacrifices they made for their country? What jobs will they being coming back to when return home to the new America of 13.7 million unemployed? What will happen to these men and women after they return to civilian society? Who will seek help? Who will help them? Whose lives will be destroyed?

I can’t help but feel that America is already turning their back on our war and our soldiers. Last year a fictional film, The Hurt Locker, won best film at the Oscars. The least we could have done was award the real men of the real story of RESTREPO.

The tale of a soldier’s plight is nothing new, but these are our soldiers for our time. They are part of us and we owe them, at the very least, our respect for the dignity of their sacrifices.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Sheening and Tiger Blood

I don't normally like watching people publicly melt down, but when you come out with choice statements like "bi-winning" and "Can't is the cancer of happen," oh yeah, one has to cock their ear.

There is something really cathartic about someone owning their own melt down and just letting it fly.

And when someone actually says, "The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards – all of them – look like droopy-eyed, armless children," you know you are witnessing an epic moment, like the fall of the Egyptian government, Tunisa, Libya. You suspect his statement is true, except his epic adventures were stripped of any dignity of seduction and instead greased with porn star lube and buoyant silicone head rests.

On Broken Hearts...




Is it better to be broken-hearten or to never have known what that feels like? All I know is that I don't wish anyone to have to feel that. The pain of it can still feel unbearable. The only difference is that now that feeling lasts for a minute, sometimes five, whereas it used to last months. Time has worn a dense, sinewy scar over the wound of which will never go away.

Though I can say with certainty that it is absolutely better to have loved and given of myself entirely than not loved at all. The flame of Love is ecstatic. Better to have stumbled than never have walked at all. (Not sure when I started speaking in Proverbs, but there you go. Sometimes it fits.)

A friend said recently upon the revelation that her heart was breaking: "Love is the light you shine, not the object you illuminate." I know this now.

In theory, I am over him. But that means I should probably start dating again instead of avoiding men altogether; or sabotaging perfectly nice relationships that have potential, if only I'd stick around a little longer.

It's not that I even want to go back to him. God no, it's completely destroyed. It's just that, clearly, I'm still fixing up all the pieces that never quite go back into the same spots they were before. Shattered and jagged.

I suppose that is what I have to realize, that I can't be "fixed." Who I was before doesn't exist the same way anymore. I just have to start from now, bits and all. Stitched, plastered and welded together. I want to feel love again. "Spark, by irreplaceable spark," I promise I will let that tiny spark catch the tinder of my heart again.